


DSMT

by shiplocks_of_love



Series: Deus Sex Machina [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Dildos, Inappropriate Use of a Morgue, John is a Sales Rep, M/M, Molly Just Wanted a Hose, Sex Toys, Sherlock has a Size Kink, Sorry to disappoint, There is actually no porn, Vibrators, and what a meeting, really this is utter crack, there is no excuse I was sober when I wrote this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-04-04 09:22:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14017182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiplocks_of_love/pseuds/shiplocks_of_love
Summary: John is a traveling sales rep. His next prospective client is Dr Molly Hooper. A bit strange to demonstrate his products in a morgue, but he's seen weirder things.





	DSMT

**Author's Note:**

  * For [J_Baillier](https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_Baillier/gifts).



> I am truly, honestly, not sorry at all. [This is all J_Baillier's fault](http://jbaillier.tumblr.com/post/172031530040/dsmt-shiplocksoflove-sherlock-tv-archive). Go and ask her, I don't even.

John dragged his wheeled suitcase through a brightly lit corridor in St Bartholomew’s Pathology Ward until he reached an access card-only door. He pressed the buzzer, and a few seconds later the door opened.

“Dr Hooper?”

“Oh, hello, you must be Dr Watson.” A young, smart looking lady stood in front of him. She was petite, with long brown hair in a ponytail, and she wore an immaculate lab coat, a name tag and a kind smile.

John flashed her a sunny smile. “That’s me!”

“Please, come in. Thank you for coming here, I know this is not a very standard meeting place for this sort of things.”

Indeed, a _morgue_ was one of the strangest places he had visited as a sales rep for DSMT. But, despite having been in this business for only a few months, it was not the _weirdest_ of places he had performed product demos in. Not _by far_.

“That’s quite alright, Dr Hooper. In my branch, we see a lot of interesting places. Also, the restricted access gives us some privacy, yeah?” John used his natural charm to make her at ease. He knew some prospective clients could get nervous about the nature of his products, and he had a natural talent to not come across as creepy.

“Uh, I suppose? Oh, do call me Molly.”

“Alright, and you call me John. I’m not practicing any longer, so. Ah, do you have a clean surface where I could place some of our samples?” John looked around him. The morgue was a large room, with standard stainless-steel counters along two walls, refrigerated drawers on a third wall, and a couple of stretchers, also in stainless-steel, standing in the middle of the room.

“I hope it’s okay to do it on a stretcher. I’d rather not have foreign objects on other surfaces. Sorry. Oh, it-it’s completely clean, I promise!” She giggled nervously.

“Ha, very good! That’s perfect, really.” He avoided giving too much thought on what Molly meant with ‘do it on a stretcher’. He was a professional, after all. “As described on our webpage, our products are made from the finest medical grade silicone and TPE. No pre-applied lubricants, all is squeaky clean. They last long with little wear. Better than the real thing, ha!” He chuckled and crouched to snap open his suitcase.

“Oh wonderful, my budget isn’t very big, so it’s good if it’s a one-time investment.”

“Well, naturally everything wears out with time, but these come with a five-year guarantee. And, _and_! We’re the only company that customises all dimensions: length, size, girth, colour. You want it, we got it. If we don’t have it, we’ll make it!”

“Girth?”

“Yep!” John popped the ‘p’ proudly and proceeded to rummage around in the suitcase. He picked out some of his products, spreading them on one of the stretchers. “I wasn’t sure what type of product you needed, but I brought some of our popular ones. Naturally, our complete catalogue is online for your perusal; anything you don’t find, just call me and I’ll–”

John didn’t finish his sentence. He had stood up again and was about to organise his products on the stretcher for a proper display when he took in Molly’s horrified expression. “Um, Dr Hooper? Molly, you alright?”

“Wh-what the hell is this?!”

“Er. Well.” he stammered but kept his cool. This was a bit of an odd reaction, but some clients were a bit shier than others; as long as he kept a professional tone, he could defuse any potential embarrassment. “This one here is ultra-soft, perfect for beginners, if this is the, um, case. Not too big, and very realistic. They come in a wide range of natural skin colours. Ah, this here is our best-seller in its category–”

“They’re _dildos_!” Molly blurted, red as a bell pepper. “And, and, _vibrators_!”

John looked down at the assortment of products on the slab. He had brought some of his finest: realistic dildos with well-defined veins, remote-controlled vibrators, rabbit vibrators with g-spot stimulation, a brand-new model of clit stimulator controlled by a downloadable app for both Android and iPhone. He held a very purple dildo in his left hand and looked up again. “Um, well. Yes. These are dildos and vibrators. But I do have other products with me, er, anal plugs and beads, nipple massagers–”

“What on earth made you think I wanted to purchase _sex toys_?!” Molly was apoplectic.

John lost his patience. To hell with this commission, what kind of client was this woman anyway? “You contacted DSMT and asked for a product demo!” he shouted in anger.

“And this is the sort of stuff that Durham’s Surgical and Medical Tubing sells these days?!”

John gaped baffled at her for several seconds, her voice still echoing off the sterile surfaces. But then the corner of his mouth twitched upwards and laughter bubbled out of his chest, low chuckles turning into near-hysterical cackles. Molly stared at him in confusion, but John’s mirth was contagious, and she found herself joining in the laughter.

“I’m. I’m sorry, Molly.” John tried to control himself. He wiped tears with the back of his hand. “I. Wait, let me.” He picked a visiting card from a small pocket in his suitcase and handed it to her. “DSMT: Deus Sex Machina Toys.”

“Oh my god.”

“Indeed.”

Molly gently grabbed another vibrator and started. “So, um–”

At that moment, the door of the morgue burst open and a tall man waltzed in. John did a double-take – the man was _gorgeous_. Sharp cheekbones framed by dark, luscious curls, soft lips (Were they soft? They _looked_ soft.) and the body of a model. He was more out of place in a morgue than on the cover of GQ. The man thumbed vigorously on his mobile. “Molly, I need to see the body that came in yesterday. Lestrade’s being dull again, and–”

He looked up from his mobile to see Molly clutching the vibrator and blushing furiously. John squeezed the purple dildo in his hand a little tighter and tried to think about foul-smelling abscesses and infected toe nails to cool off the heat developing in his lower abdomen.

Sherlock looked back and forth between John and Molly and the objects in their hands. And the quite spectacular array of colourful _items_ on the stretcher between them.

John extended his hand – the one without a dildo – and cleared his throat. “John Watson, sales rep from Deus Sex Machina Toys.”

Sherlock slowly took his hand. “Sherlock Holmes, consulting detective.” John sucked in a deep breath as he tried to decode the colour of Sherlock’s eyes. Baby blue? Cerulean? Aquamarine? He was pretty sure DSMT carried some, er, jewellery in the same colour.

Sherlock moved his head to face Molly but kept eye contact with John. “…Molly? Is this a… _bad_ time?” He broke the handshake and flicked his eyes to Molly, then to the vibrator in her hand and back at her.

“Um, no, oh god, I mean, yes, it is, but it’s all a misunderstanding, so it’s fine, you see, I wanted a big hose, oh god not that kind of hose, I mean, it’s not what you think–”

“Molly.”

“Sherlock.”

Sherlock softly pried the vibrator from her hand with a serious look on his face. “You have no use for this one.”

Molly bristled. “Excuse me, who do you think you are to tell me that I don’t have use for a. For a. _Lust_ toy? Hmm? Maybe I’ll buy _two_. In different _colours_.”

John started giggling again. Sherlock smirked. “Molly. This one is for _prostate stimulation_.”

John could not hold it any longer. He doubled over laughing. To hell with the lost sales commission; he hadn’t felt this alive in years. Molly tried and failed to look offended, as she furiously pursed her lips to avoid smiling.

“Ah, I’m terribly sorry, Molly, it was my mistake to bring up that model; it is indeed more adequate for male users. I’ll, um. I’ll just pack this up and leave, eh? Sorry for wasting your time.” John put down the purple dildo he’d been holding all this time, pointy side up; it was a model with a suction cup, and it now bobbed happily at them from the stretcher.

“Oh, um, no problem, John. It was my pleasure. I mean, it wasn’t but, oh god, I mean–”

John held up placating hands lest he’d fall into a new fit of laughter. “It’s fine, I got it.”

Sherlock stared transfixed at the dildo in his hand. “How much for this one?”

Molly's eyes widened. “Um, I’m just. I’ll go and get some coffee. Or tea. Or anything, really.” She all but ran out of the room before John could bid a proper farewell.

Instead, he put on his professional persona and answered Sherlock. “Ah, that particular model is only sixteen pounds. Very sturdy one, rigid but with good give. Easy to clean, too.”

Sherlock turned a sly gaze to John. “Do you have this in a different size?” Sherlock gave him a once-over and licked his lips. _Slowly_.

John swallowed thickly. “What. What size would you be interested in?”

Sherlock lowered unhurried eyes along John’s body and stopped at his groin. “ _Big_.”

John jumped into action. He swept the toys from the surface of the stretcher with his arm and into the suitcase, and snapped it shut. He stood up again and looked decidedly at Sherlock. Damn it, there was a reason why he was known as ‘Three Continents Watson’ and he was certainly no coward:

“I can definitely provide you with what you need. I’ll throw in a personal demonstration with the purchase of a second product.”

Sherlock bit his lower lip. “ _Marvellous_.” He turned and strolled towards the door, still clutching his new rubbery friend in his right hand. “ _Come_ along, John!”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Come and say hi to me on [Tumblr](https://shiplocks-of-love.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
